“Who Am I?” – The Journey Within

In spite of material success, people often continue to feel “incomplete” and “unsatisfied”, carrying within them a subtle sense that something ‘unknown’ is missing. They visit holy shrines, read scriptures and donate to the needy as prescribed in religious teachings; still many riddles of life remain unanswered. You often feel disconnected from yourself. You don’t need any effort to connect with your roots, just sit silent and do nothing.

The answer is not in ‘words’ but in ‘experience’. Words can explain religion, but in spirituality, all words fail, and only “silence” speaks and gives answers to all the queries of your life. Spirituality is the journey toward the silent witness within, the awareness that watches your thoughts, emotions, and feelings without judgment or interference. You do not need a guru, scripture, sermon, or philosophy to discover yourself.

This is the true story of Caroline---a life shaped by unexpected twists and remarkable turns. Her early childhood in Paris was cheerful, secure and filled with memories that left an indelible mark on her heart. She still vividly remembers how her blue-eyed father would return from the office in the evening, bringing chocolates and toys for her. Her mother, a schoolteacher at a private school, would return home around noon. Life seemed to unfold peacefully and perfectly, almost like a beautifully written story in a Thomas Hardy novel.

As Caroline grew older, cracks slowly began to appear in the peaceful world of her childhood. Sensing infidelity on her mother’s side, her father began to doubt her character, and whenever she went out wearing heavy make-up, his suspicions grew stronger. Their home, once filled with warmth, gradually became a place of arguments, often over the smallest things. Her father turned to alcohol, and the distance between the young couple grew wider with each passing day.

Why stress comes in life? Why the sense of insecurity disturbs the mind?

Then, one day, her father left home and never returned. Soon after, her mother left as well, running away with another man. At barely twelve years of age, Caroline found herself suddenly alone, with no parent to protect her or care for her. A distant relative took her in and looked after her until she completed her studies in fine arts, learned computer skills, and eventually secured a lucrative job with a multinational company.

The calendar on the wall showed 2006. Standing before the mirror, Caroline admired the woman she had become. At twenty-three, she was gorgeous, elegant, intelligent, and self-independent. She carefully pampered herself with eyeliner, lipstick, elegant ear studs, and a delicate golden chain with a small cross resting at its centre. Life had taken her far from the lonely twelve-year-old girl she once was.

Her professional life was flourishing, and the world seemed to have opened its doors to her. Yet, behind the confident face reflected in the mirror lay a life shaped by experiences that few people around her could imagine. Her life looked perfect from outside. But deep inside, she knew she was sailing on a paper boat over an immense and unpredictable sea. Still, she had unwavering faith in her own strength as the sole navigator of her life.

“Sometimes, life is shaken by an emotional earthquake that leaves you trembling from head to toe.”

Yet, every night, when the city fell silent, an unexplained restlessness would quietly steal away her sleep. A strange sense of incompleteness lingered within her, as though something was missing. One question kept returning to her mind: “Is this all there is to life?” She was not unhappy, yet she was not truly satisfied either.

Her life appeared flawless from the outside, but something within her felt strangely unsettled. Lying awake in the quiet of the night, she would ask herself, “What is happening in my inner world? Why do I feel this way when everything in my life seems perfectly fine?”

Caroline was undergoing the shadows of a childhood trauma she presumed has completely vanished from the mind. The blurred memories of her childhood continue to resurface from the unseen corners of her subconscious brain. She longed, like any young woman, for someone caring and handsome to be love and to be loved by. But beneath that dream lives a fear: “What if I end-up repeating the same story that shattered by home and parents.”

One fine morning, without any particular reason, Caroline decided to pack her bags and leave for a secluded place, hoping to find an answer to something deep within her—something she had failed to find in books, scriptures, or the sermons of religious teachers. She began visiting holy shrines and pilgrimage sites. Along the way, she met sages, priests, and monks, listening to their teachings and seeking guidance. Yet none of them could satisfy the questions that continued to trouble her within.

She also visited the so-called powerful churches, where worshippers gathered in prayer before the cross. She walked through every corner of the church, listening to the clarion bells and watching candles illuminate the sacred interior. Yet what caught her attention most was the endless stream of people asking for one favour or another, each appearing like a beggar before the divine.

“What is happening to me without any apparent reason? Why do I feel something is missing when in reality nothing seems to be missing?”

She began to wonder: “Is begging limited to asking for money? If someone prays for a child, success in a court case, or a suitable job, is that not another form of begging—only wearing a different colour?” She realized that whether a person has little or has everything, everyone is searching for something. As a wanderer, he/she may change his/her robes many times, adapting his appearance to serve the purpose, while remaining the same within.

She realized that the root of much of her misery lay in the old house where she had been born, pampered, and deeply loved by her parents—until everything began to fall apart. She wanted to preserve only the golden memories of her childhood and erase the rusted, painful parts of her past. But memories do not disappear simply because we wish them to. She failed to erase them.

She finally decided to return to her childhood home—the place where she had experienced the many twists and turns of her life. Calendars change, bodies change, and scenes change, but one thing remains unchanged: consciousness. It does not belong to the changing world of the earth; it belongs to the vastness of the sky.

Luckily, her old home stood in an isolated location, surrounded by lush greenery and a garden at the back. Her memories of the place had faded over the years, but after asking around, she somehow managed to find her way back. The house was locked. She obtained the key from a distant relative and slowly opened the front door.

Everything seemed almost exactly as she had left it many years ago. She cleaned her childhood room, then sat quietly on the floor and closed her eyes. As she settled into silence, she felt her thoughts gradually fading away. All thoughts disappeared from her mind; her breath turned slow and silent and she felt something pulsating below the navel.

For the first time in years, she felt open and receptive, as if is connecting to her consciousness. There may be dozens of sorrows, hundreds of tensions, and thousands of anxieties, but beneath them all; lies one root cause---your ‘disconnection’ from inner consciousness. Caroline had spent years searching for herself in the world. At last, she returned home; not to the old house, but to ‘herself’.

Final thoughts:

The story teaches us that the outer phenomena are always changing. They may be pleasing or displeasing, in accordance with our desires or against our wishes. But the inner consciousness remains silent through all these changing scenarios. It knows all and is familiar with all, yet neither comments nor responds. You are that consciousness; do not identify yourself with the mind and body.Carolina is not alone; countless people wander through life unconsciously, searching outside for the peace, happiness and wealth already hidden within. Outer satisfaction, material comforts and accumulation of wealth and assets cannot fill an inner disconnection; it is like watering the leaves while leaving the roots thirsty.